JOHNNY DEPP: He Loves Me! He Loves Me Not!

Johnny Depp? This may come as a complete shock, but the boy is not my type- not even close. Good looking man, sure, but I’m not the kind of girl to go crazy over the guy EVERYBODY wants. In a million years, I could never reduce myself to pining after People Magazine’s SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. Winona Ryder . . . Kate Moss . . . and ME? Yeah, right.

That is so far beneath me it’s not even funny.

Look, a sex symbol is a sex symbol, but *I* hate tattoos on boys- freaking HATE them. *I* wouldn’t have gone for him even before he “inspired” (for lack of a *better* term) all the tour guides in THIS town (as well as all the bored villagers with nothing better to do) to start wearing eyeliner and speaking like retarded cockney vampires!


But this article isn’t about me, it’s about YOU-

What would YOU do for Johnny Depp?

* * *

A girl I know (not to name names, but it kind of rhymes with “DONNA DAVIS ROCKWELL”!¡!¡!¡) said she would do “ANYTHING” for “ONE NIGHT” with Johnny Depp! Since I can’t think of a man in the world I would do “ANYTHING” for, I was curious to know her limits . . .

Someone gross asked if she’d let him poop in her mouth! Explosive diarrhea poop! But get this!:


Well! This was irresistible.

Think of it this way- Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands! Captain Jack Sparrow! Sweeney Todd!) shows up tomorrow, bed pan and baby wipes in hand! He’s packing the Hormel Chili! He’s had a burrito! Sauerkraut! Chop suey too and ohhhh!

He hasn’t pooped in days!

He’s brought a book and a box of matches! He’s got the crossword puzzles and a can of air freshener! But it’s not just some random douche monkey with skid marked undies and a hairy butt! It’s Johnny Depp! *THE* JOHNNY DEPP!

All he wants in the world is YOU and . . . well. You know.

Most girls would run screaming! But not THIS firecracker!

She says confidently: “I think I might just have to let him poop in my mouth. That temporary disgustingness is totally worth a lifetime with my soul mate. ”

And there you have it: The Deppster’s NUMBER ONE fan!

Can you beat that?

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19 Responses to JOHNNY DEPP: He Loves Me! He Loves Me Not!

  1. Mark Marko Warren says:

    after the Hokey pirate movies I cant stand him !

    • Bri says:

      God, I remember 2007 when Pirates 3 came out? There were NO FREAKING PIRATES in town before that!

      Do they still do the eyeliner? Please say no!

  2. Alisha D. Hunnicutt says:

    I wouldn’t go anywhere for that shit, booo! LOL

  3. mark Marko warren says:

    unfortunately some do wear eyeliner ! *shudders*

  4. Alisha D Hunnicutt says:

    Amen honey!

  5. Snow Bunny Bri says:

    Seriously. This is about poop. I would not condescend to speak to Johnny Depp and I don’t even make eye contact with those eyeliner pirates.

    Walking around in silly pirate formation, like a flock of dodo birds. And now people I *know* want to eat pirate poop!?!

  6. mark marko warren says:

    not me ! ugh

  7. Alisha D. Hunnicutt says:

    Ewww ,,,, no way!!!!

    • Bri says:

      Ever try to talk to them?

      Oh, once I told one of them he looked “familiar”. His answer? “Well, I’m sure I’ve never seen you before, but I’m on this billboard and that billboard . . . you probably saw me on pages ten, seven and twenty of Old City Life!”

      Gag me. Now.

      Pirate McMuffin gave me an “It’s Not Easy Being Beautiful” speech once. I wanted to die or throw up, I couldn’t decide which. And did I ever tell you about the time I fell asleep in a car with Scott Cushnie? I woke up scared I was going to die because he was driving late at night (after a lot to drink) . . . and he wouldn’t take off his stupid eye patch?

      AaaaArgh! I have much animosity toward pirates. It’s all Johnny Depp’s fault. He is not pooping anywhere near me. It’s final.

  8. Belladonna Davis says:

    Yeah, this blog is about me. Go ahead, judge away. I’ve loved my Johnny for many moons, long before his pirate escapades. Call me a groupie whore, if you must. I don’t care. ANYTHING for my Johnny.

  9. Bri says:

    Oh, Donna. We are talking about fecal matter in your MOUTH, but whatever floats your boat. Or floats in Johnny Depp’s toilet!

    To each his own!

  10. Kieran Conn says:

    I got my soulmate but if i didnt there is no way in hell any kind of poo de poo poo would enter any part of my body to get with Liv Tyler!

    • Bri says:

      Liv Tyler! Good one!

      The poop isn’t the point. It’s about LIMITS.

      There is not a man in the world I would do “anything” for, but I have seen people do crazy, crazy things to find and be with their soul mates. I actually had a similar dilemma about peeing on Cary Grant.

      So Cary Grant gets stung by a sea urchin and Dyan Cannon is supposed to drop what she’s doing and pee on him? Like he was something SPECIAL?


  11. kieran Conn says:

    Limits understood anal lagy………whether its poo or murder, degrading yourself to get with someone soulmate or not is truly disgusting…

    • Bri says:

      I have never condoned human toilets in my administration, but whatever floats Johnny Depp’s boat . . . some people are into degradation, just not me.

      Not for anyone. I find it degrading if a man doesn’t open the door for me, to hell with fecal matter. Even if it’s famous fecal matter!

  12. wolfgang gonorreah mcnugget says:

    *pirate mcmuffin”?

    What’s w you and McDonalds?

  13. Bri says:

    Thanks, McNugget. I don’t choose nicknames, they just happen.

    At McDonald’s, they’ve somehow managed to get carbs into the lettuce. There’s even carbs in the to go bags. Amazing.

  14. Bri says:

    I tried to tag all th pirates. I could not remember their names. Oops.

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