Johnny Depp? This may come as a complete shock, but the boy is not my type- not even close. Good looking man, sure, but I’m not the kind of girl to go crazy over the guy EVERYBODY wants. In a million years, I could never reduce myself to pining after People Magazine’s SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. Winona Ryder . . . Kate Moss . . . and ME? Yeah, right.
That is so far beneath me it’s not even funny.
Look, a sex symbol is a sex symbol, but *I* hate tattoos on boys- freaking HATE them. *I* wouldn’t have gone for him even before he “inspired” (for lack of a *better* term) all the tour guides in THIS town (as well as all the bored villagers with nothing better to do) to start wearing eyeliner and speaking like retarded cockney vampires!
(GOOD ONE, JOHNNY DEPP! THANKS FOR THAT!)
But this article isn’t about me, it’s about YOU-
What would YOU do for Johnny Depp?
* * *
A girl I know (not to name names, but it kind of rhymes with “DONNA DAVIS ROCKWELL”!¡!¡!¡) said she would do “ANYTHING” for “ONE NIGHT” with Johnny Depp! Since I can’t think of a man in the world I would do “ANYTHING” for, I was curious to know her limits . . .
Someone gross asked if she’d let him poop in her mouth! Explosive diarrhea poop! But get this!:
SHE DID NOT SAY NO!
Well! This was irresistible.
Think of it this way- Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands! Captain Jack Sparrow! Sweeney Todd!) shows up tomorrow, bed pan and baby wipes in hand! He’s packing the Hormel Chili! He’s had a burrito! Sauerkraut! Chop suey too and ohhhh!
He hasn’t pooped in days!
He’s brought a book and a box of matches! He’s got the crossword puzzles and a can of air freshener! But it’s not just some random douche monkey with skid marked undies and a hairy butt! It’s Johnny Depp! *THE* JOHNNY DEPP!
All he wants in the world is YOU and . . . well. You know.
Most girls would run screaming! But not THIS firecracker!
She says confidently: “I think I might just have to let him poop in my mouth. That temporary disgustingness is totally worth a lifetime with my soul mate. ”
And there you have it: The Deppster’s NUMBER ONE fan!
Can you beat that?