Just when you think you’ve seen everything, you go to Costco Wholesale. You’ve never even noticed a jewelry section at any Costco before, but this time you do~ and WHAT do you see?

Knock off Tiffany!?! At Costco!?! COSTCO!?!

ATTENTION!: COSTCO Shoppers! Is this a joke? Hardly the Ring of Rings!

Immediately I knew I must research this further!

* * *

Between you, me and anyone who ever plans on proposing to me, I picked out the engagement setting I wanted at the age of seventeen. I am not flexible on it:

Tiffany Setting, Tiffany Cut. PLATINUM. One point five carats, size six and a half.

A diamond may be a diamond, but a Tiffany Mount is the setting of the gods and I will tell you why: prior to 1886, most engagement rings were set right up against the band in bezel settings, low and flat and dull. Very little light could get in and only the top was visible, basically like putting your diamond in a turtleneck. Charles Lewis Tiffany and his team of revolutionary gemologists decided to add some sparkle, thus the famous Tiffany Setting was born! It’s a standard six prong setting, which holds the diamond up and out in a claw. Light can get in from every angle and  it truly maximizes the brilliance of the stone; you can even see into it from underneath.

It is the ultimate symbol of true love. Abraham Lincoln even bought one.

It may be imitated, but it cannot be duplicated; if a man ever gave me something kinda-sorta-maybe similar in an ugly red and tan Costco box, I’d promptly give him a black eye! Maybe two! I would not even worry about breaking a nail! Because Costco? I’m worth COSTCO? The blatant absurdity of this makes my blood boil! A man’s in love with me, wants to start a life with me, puts me above all other females (ANNNNND his mother) . . . then he buys my ring at Costco Wholesale? The same place he buys frozen hamburger and flashlight batteries?!?!?

There is not a woman in the world worth so little.

I would never in a million milenniums marry a man who bought my engagement ring at a flipping bargain warehouse. Tiffany is like a Coke, kid~ I want the real thing! No exceptions! I want a ring setting that costs more than your car . . . SO WHAT DO YOU DO? You deal with it! Then you pay for it, that’s what you do.  Plain and simple, you just pay for the damn thing! How do you afford it?

I don’t care. You sell your car, your X-Box! You sell your stamp collection, your golf clubs, your spleen . . . maybe sell your mother? In any case, you buy it. I wear it.

Now Costco Wholesale Corporation has publicly defended their sub par imitation, claiming that “It’s just a ring setting” and “Just a box”, but anyone who would say that has never (but NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!) receieved anything in a Little Blue Box! Unless you have, you cannot fathom the immeasurable joy! It’s beyond words! You feel as platinum as the ring inside, it’s a an undiluted feeling of exalted happiness I cannot come close to describing! I have never actually had a man give me any Tiffany before; not so much as an engraved Cracker Jack Ring, nor a sterling silver telephone dial! Yet the joy you feel is still so overwhelming it doesn’t matter whether you sent it to yourself!

You see that unmistakable trademarked blue wrapped in a white ribbon and the reaction is instant; your breath catches in the very back of your throat! You blink quickly, your eyes glaze over and your pupils dilate to thousands of times their normal size! Your heart zooms into overdrive, then there’s a moment where you don’t know whether to open the box . . . or faint.

Hell. The other day, the Tiffany Catologue was delivered in a large envelope that was solid Tiffany Blue; I practically went into convulsions simply *seeing* it in my mailbox! I was euphoric! The mere sight of the iconic blue catapaulted me to a place that was not even human! This is about more than jewelry! It’s about artistry, about enchantment! About being part of a tradition that goes back almost two centuries! It’s about solidarity, it’s about continuity!

It’s about the legend.

* * *

Upon further examination, I discovered my prestigious TIFFANY AND CO. has filed a multi million dollar suit against Costco and that made me laugh even harder! How could TIFFANY even reduce itself? You are TIFFANY! You are class, you are sophistication! Style! Elegance! Anyone who’d so much as acknowledge the jewelry section at Costco was never going to buy anything from you to begin with; so why give it the time of day?

In truth, I actually am a fan of Costco. When I was a Girl Scout and we went camping, we often stocked up for our trips there and us girls would have loads of fun running around the warehouse! Graham Crackers, marshmallows, boxes of four hundred Hershey Bars? We bought them in bulk at Costco, it’s quite the fond memory.  I have nothing against the place, I’ll go there when I need a ten gallon jar of Dill Pickles or a four foot tall box of Lucky Charms! When I need twenty pounds of waffles, I’ll be proud to shop at Costco . . .

But when I want breakfast?

When I want breakfast, I am going to Tiffany’s. Every single day of the week.

“After 150 years, you don’t have a wrinkle. But then, class doesn’t age!”

~Audrey Hepburn

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