May 062012
The ANY Burg Address

One score and seven years ago, my father brought forth upon my mother a new baby! Conceived by accident in the back of a Camaro and born into a nation dedicated the proposition that all men should be miserable! Work, live and die in the suburbs!

No longer a baby, I am now on the verge of my 28th year and engaged in a great inner war, testing why the suburban idea (or any crackpot idea, so bourgeois and so antiquated) has so long endured! I am met on a great battlefield in this war of lifestyles, faced with a life of Happy Meal toys, white picket fences and a dead end nine to five job, thus I am also faced with a limited plan of action! I am but one person up against a nation full of family fun parks and Mini Vans, a Pizza Hut, a Blockbuster and a McDonalds . . . then a Pizza Hut, a Blockbuster and a McDonalds . . . and so on . . . and so on . . . every few miles! Always I feel a sadness when I remember those who relinquished their freedom! Their dreams! Gave up their *own* lives so that the desolate suburbs might live!

But, in a larger sense, we can not complain! Cannot regret! We cannot control these preschoolers who run rampant in suburban playgrounds, scribble all over new walls with magic markers and Super Squiggle Writers! The empty men, living and dying in this land of windshield wipers and prize winning rose bushes, place pest control signs to consecrate their manicured lawns, eliminating any power we ever had to walk on their grass!

You have brought this upon yourselves! No one *made* you buy that sprawling cookie cutter house with the four car garage that *no one* ever parks in! You bought it knowing full well you had only a cookie cutter planet to put it on! The world will little note, nor long remember, the pains these soccer moms took making cookies for the team, but one must never forget what’s happened here! We must remember what life was like when we were *living*, rather, what it was like before we’d dedicated ourselves to a bland world of hedge clippers and Fun Size Snickers Bars! We must recall how we wanted to live deeply and suck the marrow of life! Before we jumped on the endless trains of the faithless, entered cities filled with the foolish! Before we sat patiently waiting for death, that bitter hug of mortality!

Before we bought a BUICK!

It is rather for us to be *dedicated* to the great task remaining before us—that from these spiritually dead, conformist suburbanites, we take increased devotion to causes they had tossed aside! If we *ourselves* live life in ways we always wanted; caring not what others think, wishing on shooting stars and running wild on the crashing surf like white horses! If we dance like hippies in the moonlight or stampede like wildebeests through a canyon, we shall highly resolve that these dead should not have died in vain! When they came to die they weren’t even paying enough attention to realize they hadn’t lived! For once and all, we must resolve to rectify this!

To proclaim a new era! To proclaim this nation, under God (where people plant rosebushes instead of gathering rosebuds) shall have a new birth of freedom—and that primeval government of suburbanites, by suburbanites, for the suburbanites, shall indeed perish from the earth!

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