Jan 222012

I’d like to take a moment thank all the villains out there, to send massive love and thanks to all you sordid evildoers! You’re positively wicked and I need you to stay that way! In recent times I have been getting vast quantities of appeals from my own personal antagonists; if you can believe it, these dreadful scallawags have started pleading their cases, telling me *their* sides of the stories, explaining that they’re not truly evil or diabolical at all. If only *I* knew what they’d really been going through, then I’d understand! I’d see that they weren’t in the wrong at all!

Listen up, all you low life scoundrels! I’ve had quite enough of this. I *need* you.

I rely on my antagonists, I depend on you! Whether you’re a thief, a jail bird, a beggar, a saucy temptress or just a fat ogre with arm pit hair and giant horse gums, I *NEED* YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! Don’t beg my forgiveness or worry about your karma, suddenly finding God is off the table- give me a break, you reprehensible buffoon! It’s like you don’t even realize I needed you to do whatever evil deed it was that you viciously did! You are the balance, you are my equilibrium! You keep the stars aligned and the planets moving, you are the cream in my coffee! The apple of my eye! I love you, you bastard- you’re the freaking pepperoni on my pizza!

And dude, let’s face it-

You make ME look fantastic.

There have been villains since the dawn of time, there were Cave Man Villains, Bible Villains and probably Space Villains . . . even a plot or two was foiled in Ancient Greece! We love our antiheroes as much as our heroes- EVIL never goes out of style! We *need* them- we have to overcome their no good treachery, foil their malevolent plots, make things right again! Good must triumph and every hero needs a dastardly bushwacking now and then.

Now EVERYONE has a favorite mischief maker! Shere Khan! The Joker! Cruella DeVil, Captain Hook! They make our heroes look *great*~ Clare Quilty was so evil that he had us rooting for Humbert Humbert, our twisted but LOVABLE sexual deviant! We actually WANTED this dirty old man and his prepubescent Lolita to beat all odds and live happily ever after! We truly did!

So if you’re a villain, an antihero, a bandit, an adversary or just a common jerk that no one wants to be around, you must accept it. Embrace it, make it work for you. Look at Maleficent- she was so calm, so cool, so thoroughly vicious. She breathed fire, she had her own MINIONS! Oh, you KNOW you’re a force to be reckoned with when you’ve got MINIONS! She didn’t apologize for what she was, never explained; she called herself the “Mistress of all Evil” and was proud of it! She was elegant, she had class, she was self assured and beautiful, vengeful and methodical . . . never silly, never sloppy. Sinister to the core. Now THAT’S a villain.

Now you’d *better* invite the bitch to your kid’s christening, if ya’ know what I’m saying!

There’s good and bad everywhere, if you’re going to be an antagonist, be a great one- don’t second guess yourself, don’t make excuses. If you’re evil, be evil . . . be Maleficent.

In conclusion, I’d like to point out that Walt Disney did NOT get letters from Maleficent, telling HER side of the story and claiming that she wasn’t really all *that bad!* Maleficent would never!

Now go forth. Be proud. Be evil.

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