Oh, Mrs. Robinson! We’ve all seen the movie! We’ve laughed! We’ve cried! All our hearts have jumped as Benjamin Braddock pounds desperately on the church glass, screaming, “ELAINE! ELAINE!”
But oh! Mrs. Robinson!
You were no monster! In all seriousness, what did YOU ever do that was so bad? Honestly! This is a question I don’t imagine very many people think to ask, but what did YOU ever do that any other unhappy, neglected woman wouldn’t have done herself?
You were no villain! Never!
It’s about time we all took a look at this classic “love story” from YOUR side!
* * *
When we first meet you, you’re already a miserable, lonely woman! A *bored housewife*, if you can imagine anything worse! I’d blow my own brains out if it happened to me! What happened to you, Mrs. Robinson?! Once you were young! Once you had dreams! ONCE you loved LIFE! ONCE you loved ART!
But then! Mr. Robinson happened!
OH, NO! Poor girl, knocked up in the back of a Ford! Trapped in a loveless marriage forever! Stuck all by yourself in a hollow, beautiful home night after night [after night after night] with a marvelous wardrobe, a well stocked bar and a totally rockin’ bod that old hubby boy couldn’t care less about! You were undesired! Unloved! You had separate bedrooms and that yahoo you married was probably off screwing half the tramps in LA! You must have been the lonliest woman in the world!
But wait! Looky here!
The young, corruptible son of the old battle ax’s law partner is back from school! A young Dustin Hoffman? Oh, who could resist? Those eyes! Those dimples! That scuba suit! That sexy, shaggy nineteen sixties haircut!
Whattaman! OH, MY!
I don’t blame you, Mrs. Robinson. I don’t blame you at all.
It was about time somebody looked at your legs!
* * *
Maybe the way you handled it was a bit RATTY, but come on; the kid wasn’t catching on. Nowadays every young male’s fantasy is to be seduced by a Mrs. Robinson, but this poor kid was so shy and naiive, you had to be blunt. STRIPPING was a bit excessive, but it made for a great effect and let’s face facts: IT WORKED!
You got your kicks all summer, sneaking around to the Taft Hotel and rolling around in your husband’s bed, but the kid was young, he needed to believe in fairytales~ he wanted to TALK and GET TO KNOW YOU and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. All you wanted was to get your rocks off in a cold motel room and now he wants to talk about your past and your future and your daughter? He wants to know about your FEELINGS?
WHINE . . .
WHINE . . .
WHINE . . .
That was too much, you didn’t want him sticking his nose into your personal life! You asked him for ONE measly favor: “DON’T TAKE OUT MY DAUGHTER!” Simple as that.
It seems like a small thing, you don’t nail the mother, then date the daughter; that’s gross. Yet his parents force him into it and for YOUR sake, he did try to throw the date. How any girl can fall for a boy who takes her to a drive in and a strip club, I’ll never know, but she did. The rest is history.
If there was any kind of a pivotal moment where they fell into deep, all consuming, can’t-live-without-you love, I missed it. If they fell into any kind of love at all, I still missed it. Nothing great or earth-shattering happened! There were no shooting stars, no fireworks! No love poems, no balcony scenes! No chocolates, no flowers! Nothing! Not ONE lousy carnation! Talk about BLAND! I’ve seen commercials for DISNEY movies that were more romantic! Hell. I’ve seen long distance commercials that were more romantic!
They had ONE crappy date. ONE! Then for some demented and mysterious reason, your shy, inexperienced stud muffin vows he’s going marry the ONE person in the world you’ve asked him not to?
Oh, hell no.
What a creep! REALLY! There are seven billion people in this crazy world and out of all of them, he wants to marry your daughter? Your own flesh and blood? Mrs. Robinson, that is dumb. That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
He was never courting her or persuing her, he was stalking her and it wasn’t a bit romantic. Following her to Berkley? That’s STALKING. Following her and a date to the zoo? That’s STALKING. Showing up to a wedding where he wasn’t invited, banging on the church glass, screaming and acting like an escaped mental patient? Ruining the whole ceremony and pissing everyone off? At first blush, it may *seem* romantic . . .
But nope. It’s stalking.
Don’t you think there was maybe a better time they could have discussed this? ANY other time? No offense, Mrs. Robinson, but Elaine has got to be a little crazy in the head. The wedding could not possibly have recovered from such a catastrophic interruption and instead of even trying to save face, she runs off with the maniac? Alienates her entire family and her fiance to marry the nutbag stalker she had ONE date with? Because THAT’s not crazy?
It doesn’t add up. Elaine Robinson is a buffoon.
So what are you left with now? Your daughter has run off with your young lover, you’ll never see them again. Your hubby knows all about your illicit summer affair, you’ll probably be out on your ass soon. Your friends will all turn against you and you’ll be left nowhere with nothing, cloaked in shame and humiliation the rest of your life.
Then on top of all that, you still have to pay for the wedding! My heart is breaking for you!
* * *
So there. THAT’s what I think of that super romantic “love story”. Next time it’s showing, don’t bother inviting me.
Now in conclusion, let’s all shed a tear for poor Mrs. Robinson. She’s probably working at a McDonald’s somewhere. Poor girl.