WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?: Love and Lawsuits

January 20th, 2016

Dearest Capital One~

Hello, old friend! Brianne Sloan here! We’re old pals, you and I! I received my very first Capital One card (my first credit card ever incidentally) in 2004 and boy! Since then, we sure have had some times together, haven’t we? Great times! Wonderful times!

We’ve been on road trips and camping trips! We went horseback riding, skydiving and heck! We even saw Ringo Starr! Together we basked in the glory of a bonafide Beatle! All those nights out in Chicago! We ate in the Walnut Room, got caught in the rain at Wrigley! We disco danced in Daytona, stole kisses in Sweetwater! We train hopped to Charleston and stargazed in Savannah!  Then the sales! My god, the sales! We both know darn well what was in my wallet!

Behold! The rapturous joy of having a credit score of 795!

Oh, Capital One! It was you and me for a decade! I trusted you! Believed in you! I carried you with me always! We belonged together! We shopped together!

Then out of nowhere, you send me a court summons?

Come now. Do you have to be so dramatic?

***

Deep down I always knew this day may come. For years, I’ve suspected you may cruelly snatch my credit lines away while my back was turned, leaving me hog tied in the deep abyss of debt! Abandoned! Alone! Without any financial backing at all! Yet to blatantly smite me with all this? That is low. Downright dirty for a forty billion dollar corporation.

Especially after the way you lured me with your low interest and your free custom rate quotes? Your travel rewards? Your soft whispers of frequent flyer miles and no foreign transaction fees?

Unlimited cash back!” you called. “Forty thousand bonus miles! Zero to card in thirty seconds!

LIES! They were lies!

Look, Capital One, YOU told me I was “pre qualified”! YOU told me there was “zero risk”! YOU upped my limits and sent me credit cards before I even asked for them! I had a QuickSilver, a Venture One!  A Capital One MasterCard, a Visa! I even had a Capital One 360! You are partially to blame here, you must accept it. This is what happens when you send thirty seven credit cards to a “professional writer.”

You wanted this to happen, you begged for it. Earlier that year, you sent me this:

It’s been 10 years since you opened your account. Some things just go together, like us. Thanks for sticking with us for 10  great years. We’re so happy you chose us!

Happy anniversary!

-Capital One

You sent me things like that because I was someone who paid my bills. I paid every month for ten years, I paid every card; I was never late. Even now, I am still someone who pays my bills, but after one little mishap, I started getting hate mail! Paper threats that screamed:

“WHERE’S THE MONEY? WHERE’S THE MONEY?”

Incessant phone calls demanding:

“WHERE’S THE MONEY? WHERE’S THE MONEY?”

I did not know where the money was, so I just changed my phone number. Now I get a lawsuit? A real life, honest to goodness lawsuit!?! An offensively impersonal court order, hand delivered by one of your despicable process minions?

“WHERE’S THE MONEY? WHERE’S THE MONEY?”

All due respect, but if I knew where the money was, you wouldn’t have to sue me.

***

I’ll level with you, Capital One: Circa 2011, I got depressed and I went shopping . . . for, um, three years. Now it isn’t just you, it’s Compass and Credit One and Slate. It’s Chase and American Express and DISCOVER! It’s everyone and when faced with everything I owe everybody, I did not panic~ I made a plan. I talked the State of Florida into paying for me to get my RN, so if you just wait two or three years, you’ll get everything. With interest.

If you look at my credit history, you will see that up until May of 2014, there was not one tiny nick in my credit score. Not a dent, not even with all those active credit cards.

That’s Option A: Just wait.

On the other hand, there’s Option B:  This would be taking me to court and suing me, taking my property, my vehicles, and garnishing my wages, but let’s look at that intelligently: I own NOTHING, I have no assets. I rent and plan on continuing to rent indefinitely, at least until I get this whole mess cleaned up. As for vehicles, I “drive” a little pink Schwinn, so there is nothing for you to repossess there either.

When you’ve got nothing, there’s nothing to lose.

So OPTION A: You simply wait and you trust me, and in two or three years, I will pay you whatever measly, laughable amount I owe you. You can’t possibly be hurting for five thousand dollars that badly! You’re a Fortune 500 company, for chrissakes!

Or OPTION B: You waste more money and time to take me to court and sue me for everything I have, which is nothing. Less than nothing, if you count all the money I owe. Then after all that costly added scandal and hullabaloo, I pay you your lousy five grand . . . in two or three years, like I planned on doing anyway.

So there it is, oh Capital One! That is the best I can do, that is the best I can offer.  Either option you choose, the end result will be the same and my advice is just to wait.

We had a great run together, old friend! I would like to end our relationship gracefully with few angry feelings or harsh words, with as little regret as possible!  We mustn’t let the court system destroy the beautiful memory of what we had! Let us end our glorious decade with a wee bit of dignity!

It’s up to you, my friend. I trust you will make the honorable choice.

Best regards,

Miss Brianne E. Sloan, Defendant

Case Number: CCIS-1979 65

***

*AUTHOR’S NOTE*

They sued me anyway.

No surprise, I was conveniently NOT invited to the hearing. I am sure the version I sent them was far more professional than the draft posted above, but just as I warned them, I was right:

There was nothing to sue me for. Eh. I did not want to be a nurse anyway!

(still if I am looking for *millionaires*, I suddenly know where to find a few highly available ones! Mwah ha ha!)

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