What’s in YOUR Wallet, Richard Fairbank?

July 8th, 2017

Dear Mr. Richard Fairbank, CEO of Capital One Bank:

Hello. My name is Brianne Sloan, I am a writer and you don’t know me . . . but you sued me. Boy oh boy, did you ever sue me. You sued me bad and you did it on the sly too: I was not invited to the hearing, if there was ever hearing. I know what you’re thinking: It wasn’t personal, it was business. But to me, it was plenty personal.

Of course it was personal. I paid that card every month for a decade.

If you will please take the time to read my story, you will absolutely see that what happened to me could have happened to anybody. We all have our crosses to bear, an Achilles Heel all our own! Everybody has an albatross, right? Some people turn to booze! Gambling! Drugs!

Not me though! Who needs drugs when there’s Visa everywhere you want to be?

***

Now Mastercard may say there are some things money can’t buy, still I haven’t come across very many! Chase was my choice, I never left home without my American Express! Then like an old friend, Capital One was always in my wallet! When I get depressed, I shop . . . and I was depressed for three years.

Between you and the rest of them, believe me: I had more than enough rope to hang myself.

By the time you all finally wised up and snatched my cards away, I was sixty grand in the hole. All from shopping too, there were no real emergencies. No unexpected medical bills, no crazy shotgun weddings I had to pay for. No extravagant vacations either: no kids dying to see Mickey Mouse, no sudden funerals in Europe! This was sixty thousand dollars of shopping. Reckless, unrestrained shopping.

If it makes you feel any better though, everything I bought with my Capital One card was subsequently destroyed when my roof collapsed during Hurricane Matthew. Well, my two thousand dollar dog did survive because he evacuated with me . . . but he wasn’t from Capital One, I bought him with my Target Red Card. Boo hoo. I don’t see any lawsuits from THEM.

Then when I finally returned home six months later, I checked my mailbox and found out I had been sued while I was away! Which is just suuuuuuch a fantastic thing to hear when you’ve had to leave your home and job for six months! To move in with your mother at the age of 32! Stupendous.

You can gloat if you want, I wouldn’t put it past you. Still it doesn’t change the fact that right now five thousand dollars may as well be a million bucks!

Now there’s an idea! Mr. Fairbank, I think have a plan!

***

Mr. Fairbank, you founded Capital One in 1988! Perhaps you started with humble beginnings, but Capital One quickly became a Fortune 500 company! It skyrocketed, making you a millionaire many, many times over! You’re now a top ten CEO, you’re listed in Forbes! You have a net worth of 127 million! You probably have a yacht and Jaguar and a jolly McMansion to boot! You have done very well for yourself,  I can’t imagine what you would want my lousy five thousand dollars for.

Then to what to you owe your success? Easy. Shoppers. You owe your success to shoppers.

Without people like ME, your promises of cash back and bonus miles simply wouldn’t work. Don’t forget who you founded Capital One for, it was the shopoholics! Not people from your high falootin’ corporate world, no sir! Wealthy big wigs don’t need credit cards! Now I love Jennifer Garner as much as the next chick and Samuel L. Jackson is the man, but they don’t need Capital One! You started this company for little America! For all the in betweens, the average Josephines!

For the cashier girl at Burger King with the expensive haircut and perfectly manicured nails! For the girl at the gas station wearing an evening gown and carrying a four hundred dollar Michael Kors bag, yet buying cheap beer and a lottery ticket! For the people who want and want and can’t afford! The people who laugh in the face of high interest rates to buy now and pay later, the people who never get a freaking break.

I know those people. I am their leader.

So Mr. Fairbank! I will give you five thousand dollars . . .

If you first give me ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

***

You may think I am crazy for asking someone I don’t know for ONE MILLION DOLLARS, but I think you’re crazy for suing me. I do not have any money (nor much of anything left at all to be honest) so if I have to come up with sixty grand anyway, why don’t I just come up with ONE MILLION DOLLARS? Then I can pay everyone everything I owe them!

Now who better than YOU to give me ONE MILLION DOLLARS? I doubt you will miss it, you’ll still have plenty of millions left to spare! Help a shopper out please, just one shopper! It’s the least you can do after all that us SHOPPERS have done for you!

Come on, daddio. Be a sport and float a cool million my way!

Now that I’ve said all this (and hopefully broken your heart), I will leave you with one final thought: You once said, “It’s not what’s in your wallet that matters, it’s what’s in your heart.”

So what’s in your heart, Richard Fairbank? What’s in your heart?

Signed,

Brianne Sloan
Defendant
Case Number-1979 67

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