Jul 152015
Glorious, Spacious Mansion for Rent! ONLY ONE MILLION DOLLARS!


Did you always know you were destined for greatness? Well, how about living HERE? In this picturesque 88 million dollar luxury mansion? I mean, WHAT A GEM! You can’t afford NOT to live here!

Okay, so it’s a lie. That’s not my mansion and I’ve never even been there; it belongs to Oprah Winfrey and *she* hasn’t exactly invited me over for dinner lately. But WHO would look at an ad for a rental that costs a million dollars a month?

Easy. Millionaires. I’m definitely looking for millionaires.

It all started yesterday when I decided to make a ONE MILLION DOLLARS by the end of the day. Why? you ask. Oh, no real reason, I just spent a little more than I had intended over Fourth of July Weekend and I figured that instead of wasting time worrying about it, I should just go ahead and come up with ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Unfortunately though I got a little busy: I had to go to the doctor and my grandma called, then I got stuck in a super long line at Burger King. Then I got home, where my dog got out and I had to chase him for seven hours. Then some men in suits came to the door and tried to sell me Jesus for twenty five minutes, while a Hot Pocket was burning and the fire alarm was going off . . . it was just a big old mess.

As you can see, it ended up not being a great day to make a million dollars.

But I bet I could do it in a week!

HOW though? HOW could I make a million dollars a week?

Luckily I remembered that I used to rent out a bedroom in my house for $375 dollars! I honestly never really had a permanent roommate in four years, but every single month, someone would send me a check for $375 dollars! Plus the deposit, that’s another $375! No lie! Every month like clockwork, I would get these checks! Yet the beauty part is that most people didn’t even show up! Sometimes I’d get two, three people to send me rent checks every month . . . still I always lived ALONE! Can you believe that?

Then I got to thinking that I could probably make a million dollars the same way. I mean, if you’re never going to show up, does it really matter that I’ve never been to Oprah’s house?

Which brings us back to this gorgeous Georgian mansion, sprawled fabulously across 42 elegant and rose festooned acres! OOOOH! IT’S MAGNIFICENT! It is now worth an amazing 88 million dollars and in addition to having six beautiful bedrooms and fourteen luxury bathrooms, it also boasts a brand new gourmet kitchen! As well as ten exquisite fireplaces! Just imagine the sheer joy of actually living here, of being the envy of all of your friends! The tennis courts! The pools! It even has (GASP!) its own LIBRARY!

All these can be YOURS today! If you get ONE MILLION DOLLARS to me by Monday July 13th, 2015, I’ll even throw in YOUR DREAM CAR! You’ll be dreaming of a brand new MERCEDES!

Or whatever dream car you’d like to dream of because let’s face it; it’s your dream, not mine! It’s first come, first serve and I can’t hold the place without a deposit, but for the bargain price of ONE MILLION DOLLARS, you can *dream* of living in Oprah Winfrey’s house!


If you have any questions, please email me at once to ask! I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!


XoXoXo! <3

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