Jun 082018

Posted on July 10, 2014 by Bri

Once Upon a Time, I worked at Old Town Trolley as a History Teller. I was there for a year! A whole year! I had never done anything wrong and I lived so close, I could drop everything and be there in ten minutes if someone called out. I was Miss Reliable, a model employee! The cream of the crop! The top of the heap! But when they hired some old bag museum manager, the first thing she did was fire ME!

(surprise, surprise)

So! A whole year later, I sent her a nice thank you letter for all the unemployment pay! And a beautiful present to go with it: a copy of my OWN personal bible!

It was the least I could do! The very least, after all this ANGEL did for me! You’ll see!

* * *

June, 2013

Dearest Susann Maas-

He there, Suze! How’s tricks? It’s ME again, your old buddy Bri!

I know it surprises you to hear from me, but I need to express my greatest gratitude! At first, I wasn’t too happy about your telling a lie to have me canned your first week, but let’s face facts- they paid me more in unemployment than YOU were paying me to actually *work.* By George, that was nifty! Money for nothing! I could hardly believe it!

But wait! It gets better!

See if YOU had not canned me for no reason at all, *I* would not have been able to stay home all day every day with my beloved collie in the very last year of her life! Of course, I loved her every day for fourteen years, but all through that last year, just wrote while she laid at my feet! I didn’t miss a moment of my beautiful canine, we spent every day together! Every day! Thanks to YOU I even got paid for it.


I’m eternally grateful. I owe you.

This book I am sending you helped me- of course, I did not have as far to go as you do, but two years ago, my figure was in turmoil- the scale hit 176! I refused to write! I refused to leave the house! But out of my deepest despair would come the greatest gift!

I was given a glimpse of a Great Secret! The Secret to the Scale!

The glimpse came in a ten year old book, given to me by a blog reader who was mad I had stopped writing. I began tracing the Secret through history! I couldn’t believe all the people who knew this! They were the hottest people in history! Cameron Diaz! Heather Locklear! Even Farah Fawcett!

(and she’s close to your age!)

Incredulous, I asked, “Why doesn’t EVERYONE know this?!”

A burning desire to share the Secret with the world consumed me! I give you now: “The South Beach Diet”!

In a few short weeks, you’ll know that carbs are the enemy! Once you know this, just think of what you can accomplish! Become aware of this knowledge and hold it in your power!

That awful FUPA isn’t who you ARE!

That FUPA is who you WERE!

It’s pizza. Not crack.


Love ‘ya, doll face! YOU CAN DO IT!



XoXoXo! <3

Sayonara, Suzanne! See ya!

Reader Comments

  1. Marli Batalla Lmaoooo she fired me, but couldn’t get me all the way fired because they LOVED me there. They didn’t bring me back after I was hospitalized, though. Foul.

    She wasn’t shit anyways lol

    1. Well, they loved me too. They loved me so much, that they paid me over 10 k in unemployment . . . to do fucking NOTHING. It was awesome.

      Of course she did not like you. You’re young and pretty and she was afraid you’d take over the world.

      FUPAs make you MEAN.

  2. I’m living for this!!!! ❤️ I was glad to see her go, and she had the audacity to hug me like a friend at Jame’s funeral despite all the petty bullshit she put me through.

  3. If I remember correctly she gave her two weeks and Dave said “why bother, don’t come back tomorrow”

  4. lmao I would be angry too if I was her bless her heart, must suck !!

    Brianne, it was worth every penny !!

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