Oct 072011

Every now and then, I’ll get a message on some sort of dating site or social networking site that will read something to the effect of, “Hey! I know you! You went to Mandarin High, you gave that speech on prison inmates and soap!”

Yup. That was me.

I pushed the envelope constantly in highschool, even now I’m slightly amazed with all the crap I was allowed to get away with! I remember being hauled off to the dean’s office on pretty much a daily basis and sitting in the waiting room, cracking students and parents up with stories of whatever it was I had done to get in there. Picture Zack Morris on crack and give him some literary talent, so he can write letters to teachers telling them why they are stupid and he is smart. That was me.

But of all the stupid things I did in highschool, I’m glad that the ONE THING everyone remembers is the time in Speech Class, when I had to think of a product to pitch to PRISON INMATES . . . I had fun with this. I’m still astonished at how far I was allowed to get in this speech before being told to sit down (it was around the phrase “butt busting bastards”), but it didn’t stop the rest of the class from passing it around the classroom. It’s been described as “epic” . . . “one of the greatest moments of high school” . . .

I love that THIS SPEECH is the one thing I did that everyone remembers. I put a lot of work into it, I had a visual aid and I wore a costume! I wore a sweatshirt from the Duval County Jail . . . it said “INMATE” on it! (though how I got the sweatshirt is a different story).

I was excited to find the speech in one of my old notebooks the other day! It went like this!:

ATTENTION, new prison inmates! Have you violated the law, become a lowly degenerate of society? Have the people who once loved you–your family, your former friends and coworkers—have they all lost respect for you now that you’ve become an outcast of social order, a violator of middle class morality?

Well, don’t worry! You’re a prisoner now and where you’re going, you’ll have loads and loads of new little friends just waiting to get their hands on you, especially when your back is turned!

Inmates, you KNOW what I’m talking about! What with pop culture and the media, you should *know* by now the cheap, humiliating conditions that await you within the dehumanizing confines of state penitentiaries. You should know of those brazen little parasites that stalk you silently, holding their breath, just waiting to sneak up on you in darkened hallways or even better, in the showers when it’s easy to invade your body . . .

Yes, siree! I’m talking about . . . BACTERIA! Bacteria is bad and it can hurt you, but fear no more! Today I’m going to show you how even in the dirtiest, slimiest of prisons, you can take the upper hand with those perverse antibodies and show them who is boss! I bring you the hottest item for inmates! The GLOVE of SOAP!

[holds up a mitten with a bunch of bubble wrap glued to it!]

This, my incarcerated friends, is the super amazing GLOVE of SOAP! It is anti bacterial with proven germ fighting ingredients, as well as gentle moisturizers! And it can be yours by simply ordering it off prison commissary and it is available in a variety of delectable scents!

You see, this glove is the future! Our soap comes in the form of the glove for simple reasons~ see prisoners often like to strangle each other, so we couldn’t put it on a rope. We couldn’t put it on a stick because there are too many places on the body into which you can JAM a stick, but we had to put it on *something* because we didn’t want you dropping it and bending down to get it, leaving your bodies open and vulnerable to several other potential violations I can think of!

So don’t worry about all those butt busting germs that await you, just buy the patented GLOVE of SOAP and say goodbye to BACTERIA forever! Now all you’ll have to worry about is all those child molesters and rapists who now want to be better friends than you’d like because you’re sooooooooooo clean! And OOOOH! You smell so good!

I don’t remember what grade I was given on this speech and as you can clearly see, I didn’t really care. But standing in front of a classroom, seeing how far I could get before the teacher flipped out was exhilarating! She just stared at me for most of it, quiet and looking like she was doing long division in her head. You know, the look people get when trying to figure out if a bomb is going to explode or not.

Reading it now is fun; I’m so glad I saved it!

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