Every year on Thanksgiving, I make a note to write a list of everything I’m thankful for, but I never get around to it. This year it is eleven am, I am getting quite tired of helping my mom with the “cooking” (I ripped up the bread for the stuffing, it was so hard) and I figure I can churn out a good list by about 5pm, even if I have to phone type it. Here it goes:
Number one, I am thankful to live in the greatest country in the world! Oh, America! You sweet, beautiful disorganized and overpopulated mess! I salute you! Twice! And I’d like to thank our forefathers from year 1621 for breaking bread with the Indians briefly before ultimately wiping them out! That’s right, oh Pilgrims! WIN, BABY! Thanks to YOU, I get to eat a turkey feast in Autumn every single year!
Rock on, Plymouth. Rock on.
Also speaking of the Pilgrims and Indians, I’d like to take a moment to express my thanks for modern conveniences. I don’t know about you, but I am thrilled to bits not to have to be out in the fields harvesting crops myself! I don’t have to grind my own coffee, I don’t have to wait 32 hours for my cream to separate! And I’m pleased as punch not to have to spend *all day* doing laundry! I am proud to live in the twenty first century, where I can just buy pre ground coffee and send my laundry home with my mother!
I think people take modern conveniences for granted. I blame the internet . . . once you’ve seen the internet, you’ve seen everything. And cell phones- I have a hard time remembering what we did without them! How did we *function*? How was life even *possible*? How did we remember plans, how did we find people when we got separated in malls? We must have been like neanderthals, running wildly across crowded food courts looking for people! I shudder.
Thank you, technology. I appreciate you. All these time saving gadgets and devices have allowed me to waste massive amounts of time writing useless crap like THIS and playing on Facebook! The 21st century is greatness!
I’d like to take this opportunity to express thanks for my wonderful collie, my beautiful Lily Muffin! I may as well give thanks for the rest of my FAMILY too and believe me, this is really taking guts. Since I’ve been writing this, I have heard my mother call “BriANNE!” every five minutes from the kitchen. That’s right, *every* five minutes. Without fail. And I keep hearing “OH, MY GOD!”s too, like the world is ending. For instance, “OH MY GOD! We’re out of powdered sugar!” And “OH MY GOD! I forgot to get celery! What ever shall we do?”, like it’s going to be the end everything!
Just kidding. What would I do without my family?
(Again this goes to show that America has completely forgotten what it was like to be Pilgrims . . . Pilgrims had to powder their own sugar!)
I am thankful for the gym too, what would I do without my daily gym struggle? “To go to the gym or NOT to go to the gym?” THAT is the daily question! I’d be lost without the gym, what would I do if I didn’t have to make this monumental decision every day!
I am also thankful for the Beatles, the Beatles are wonderful. Lately I’ve started questioning how much I actually love the Beatles. Do I *really* love the Beatles or do I just act like I do because I have so much Beatles crap? And bc I knew all the lyrics to *every* Beatles song by sixth grade? I don’t know, it’s quite hard to tell.
I’d switch to the Stones, but I don’t want to redecorate.
There’s so many other things I’d like to give thanks for, like the moon and leopard print and Fabio . . . and those little pastel colored mints they give you at weddings, but alas! My thumb hurts and I feel no one will finish reading this if it gets much longer, so I’m going to wrap it up.
Thanks to my friends! Picture me sending out major, major thanks for my friends! You guys are epic, you never fail to amuse me!
Also men- I don’t feel I can rightfully end this essay without giving a shout to the boys! You losers are soooo stupid and such freaking idiots, but you never fail to shock me. You just keep getting dumber and dumber and I love you for it! Maybe you left me at a bar or took me to a wake for the free food, but thank you! Just thank you. At least you kept it interesting!
And finally thanks to the universe for giving me sooooo much to write about! I’m never (but *never*) at a loss for words or writing material! Never.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Love ‘ya and thanks for the fantastic year!
Here’s lookin’ at you, kid!