It’s summer again, boys and girls! My favorite time of the whole year! To most people, summer means beaches and bikinis, burgers and barbecues! Flowers and fruity umbrella drinks, extra long days and super wild nights! Although this glorious season means all that to me too, I’ve got to level with you: to ME, summer mostly means ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Every summer for the past three summers, I have set a goal for myself: to make ONE MILLION DOLLARS by fall.
ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS.
Not trillions of dollars, mind you. Not billions, not zillions, not even many millions! I simply want ONE MILLION DOLLARS, that is merely a thousand thousand. It’s not much, I tell you! Not when there’s forty six trillion, five hundred and thirteen billion dollars out there in the world! Now I may not be too good with money or math or finances, but I certainly am sharp enough to understand that that is a LOTTTTTTTTTT of money!
When originally faced with the staggering realization of exactly how much money actually existed in the world, I quickly put my thinking cap on! I could do this, no question! I did not even think it would be particularly difficult, oh no! I figured I would faithfully send this wish out to the Universe and come that autumn, Prince Google Billionaire would show up on a Tiffany Blue unicorn, waving a giant check and a trusty sword to fight off my debt collectors . . . or something.
Alas! It didn’t happen! It didn’t happen and it didn’t happen.
Now this wasn’t for lack of effort on my part, I’ve tried everything! I solicited Oprah, I summoned Barry Manilow! I sought out Ellen and I petitioned Keanu Reeves! I offered to tattoo a business logo on my legs and walk up and down St. George Street! I’ve worn evening gowns to smoky dive bars, I had a sign that said “Will Work for a MILLION DOLLARS”!
I had a Go Fund Me account, a Kickstart! An Indiegogo! There was Jello Wrestling Week! I sold a kidney! I posted ads on Craigslist, I posted those ads in every country! I even tried a reverse Catfish scam where I would dupe scumbag Nigerians into sending me butt loads of cash in exchange for, um . . . nothing.
It was my Mermaid Scam! And it was a bust:
“Sorry babye, I want to help, but we have weak currency. I send amount, it turn to pennys. The good lord you have your health and love and food and waramth and vibrance. Monyes for God.”
“I know you need the manye, my heart pouts for you. I will sent it soon. If you want to friendship with me.”
“I am sad rich man from the needy country, dear. I will gladly move some manye abroad, dear. Can it be possible to use your account, dear? I is sadding every day.”
Whine. Pout. Snot bubble.
Oh, please. Nigerians must have more patience than I do, scamming people out of their hard earned money might actually be more tiresome than making it legitimately! Maybe scammers do not provide any real service, but by god! They still have to “work”! As it turns out, the Nigerian scam operation is a regular nine to five job where whole teams of liars sit in rooms of computers all day, preying on lonely, desperate Americans. Probably for minimum wage too, it’s a bona fide work force! They have fax machines and hundreds of phone numbers, ties to government officials and law enforcement~ sadly I don’t have those kinds of resources.
On the bright side though, I can now tell you several surefire ways how NOT to make a million dollars, if you really want to know. Any progress is good progress.
Then to top it all off, my quest for ONE MILLION DOLLARS has been made doubly difficult by the fact that I am not willing to lie, cheat or steal, nor break the law in any way. I am not willing to rob anyone, take anything that doesn’t belong to me, nor am I willing to buy drugs or sell them. I’m not a liar, I’m not a thief; lousy MONEY is not worth feeling guilty the rest of my life over, I can’t do it. Yet when we live in a world of *forty six trillion, five hundred and thirteen billion dollars*, why should I have to do any of those things? Right now at this very second, there is ONE MILLION DOLLARS just lying around somewhere with MY name on it; all *I* have to do is find it.
There are almost a hundred days in a summer, so let’s break it down: that’s about ten thousand dollars a day and some change. That’s nothing, ten thousand dollars won’t even get you to the moon and back! Ten thousand dollars certainly won’t pay off my credit card debt and now you see it is all a question of angles; if I look at it as simply making ten thousand dollars in one day instead of making ONE MILLION DOLLARS in one summer, it becomes significantly easier! So I will just wake up every day and say to myself, “I am going to make ten thousand dollars today! I am going to make ten thousand dollars!”
So I will just do that a hundred times and have my million. Easy.
Piece of cake.
Also while we are on the subject of ONE MILLION DOLLARS, here’s an idea I have not yet tried! For each week of this summer, I will write at least ONE multi millionaire and ask them to send me ONE MILLION DOLLARS! In fact, I can make it my new summer blogging project: BRIANNE’S SUMMER OF MILLIONAIRES! Then I will start with the millionaires who have wronged me and who realistically owe me for any agonizing troubles they made me fight through!
RICHARD FAIRBANKS, NET WORTH: 127 MILLION– Founded Capital One and sued me for a measly, piddling, comical little old thousand dollars . . .
[five thousand dollars is three hours at the mall. Maybe.]
JEFFREY SEAMAN, NET WORTH: 675 MILLION- Founded Rooms To Go and charged me $2100 for $1300 worth of furniture.
BRETT A. ROBERTS, NET WORTH: 54.3 MILLION– CEO of Acceptance Now, “NINETY DAYS SAME AS CASH” is just ONE of the lies he told me! “SHOP WITH CONFIDENCE!” and “NO CREDIT NEEDED!” are a few of the others!
So will this work? Of course it will work, that is already three whole weeks of millionaires!
I don’t see how I could possibly fail.
WISH ME LUCK! WISH ME A MILLION DOLLARS!