Over the past year, I’ve been referred to a lot as the “Anti Tucker Max“. After being compared to him a few times, I decided I’d look into it, decided it *may* be worth figuring out who this person was. I Googled him, read a few things, got bored pretty quickly and jumped ship for something a little more interesting- like infectious diseases. I was also not impressed with the educational level of his work and I decided to read things that may actually broaden my intellect- like articles on how much a loaf of bread cost in the year 1692. Because you never know when you’ll need to know *that.*

I bailed within minutes, but the comparisons didn’t stop. Later, I decided to Google him again, maybe I could learn something? After all, he is an OKAY writer and we are two sides of the same magic, so I read on- would you like to know what I thought?

This jerk is a freaking genius.

I stand in awe. He is hardly a fantastic writer (I did not even make it through one full article; he’s a shitty protagonist, he lacks passion and I didn’t like him *telling* me his stuff was funny instead of letting me laugh on my own), he is not a likable character by any means. He’s been a jerk his whole life and karma hasn’t caught up with him, probably never will. He is a complete ass bag with minimal talent and guess what?

He gets to write all day. Every day.

But wait! There’s more! As if the book deals and royalties and movie crap weren’t enough, the man is getting laid EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for the rest of his life. That’s genius. Ladies, you know you’d just love to *say* you slept with Tucker Max. Hell, you’d wait in line for the privilege! You might even pay! Now you KNOW the fucker couldn’t possibly be any good in bed: “What’s foreplay, ma’am?” and “I refuse to watch you have multiple orgasms when I can’t have them!” Also you KNOW he’s never going to call you again! But he’s freaking TUCKER MAX . . . and you love it.

Please. He ain’t even cute.

Yet—and this is the amazing part—here I sit writing about him, actually giving him the time of day! Tucker Max has not read a word by me, will most likely *never* read a word by me! I’m compared to Tucker Max, but I’ll bet you twelve pack and a ten year subscription to Playboy he’ll never be compared to me! He has no clue I exist and he wouldn’t give a shit if he did, yet here I sit writing about him! And he has accomplished this by going *against* everything I have ever written, every word I’ve ever published?

What a mastermind! I salute you, Tucker Max!

(I need to study this man’s MO! I *knew* I should have stuck with being the antiheroine!)