Apr 202014

Picture it! YOUR business logo on a tanned and toned, perfectly visible and miles long billboard!: right smack down the sides of my dynamite legs! IMAGINE! That’s YOUR business quite literally biking all over St. Augustine!

Hello, friends. Back in March, I realized I needed 25 grand by May First to fund my Patty Columbo Project! I asked the Universe for it and got it so quickly and so easily that I started to wish I’d asked for fifty instead of twenty five. May First is, like, THURSDAY, so I did not believe the Universe would have time to provide, but again the Universe has shocked me!

I’ve got another one of my brilliant ideas! Slam bang fantastic actually!

A few weeks ago, I was at the Giggling Gator drinking beer and trying to figure out how to come up with twenty five grand. I know quite well that I’m “banned” from that dingy, smoky dive bar, but a fellow outside had just begged me to bring my adorable little weiner in. Minutes later, I was rambling endlessly to all the broke, jobless bar flies about how to make some super fast cash.

Now I had been offered 7 grand if I chopped off and sold my long, blond hair- that seemed doable, but a little too cheap. My thoughts drifted to Andrew Fischer, who in 2005 auctioned off his own forehead as advertising space on eBay. He was paid $37, 376 to wear the temporary tattoo of a company called Snore Stop for thirty days! On his own forehead!

EUREEKA! I could do that!

Some random Gator Head wrote “YOUR ADD HERE” on my forehead with a Sharpie (I cannot be held accountable for the poor spelling) and I posted it at once! THAT’s what I could do! The first person I approached with this idea was angry Heather Call, who owns the Giggling Gator! She’d found out I’d been there and was up the anus of my Facebook inbox for two days, virtually ripping my hair out for setting foot in her in her “wonderful, loving and very welcoming pub”! Blah, blah, blah.

The woman is relentless, annoying and seemingly quite bored in the mornings, but by this point in our relationship, I have realized that the only way to get her to stop spewing inane nonsense and incoherent babble is to turn around and do the same thing to her: I graciously gave her first dibs on my forehead.

I sent her dozens of rapid fire messages for about an hour, all about how she could advertise her dingy dive bar on my forehead! Then I listed all of the amazing benefits she would behold thereafter: I told her she could renovate! Expand! Soon there’d be a Giggling Gator Pub in every suburban shopping mall from here to Timbuktu! I think I was serious! ALAS!

She didn’t seem even slightly tempted.

She stopped messaging me completely, which had been my goal in the first place, but wait! This isn’t a bad idea! Then I got an unbelievably, gloriously, stupendously brilliant idea!!!

What about my LEGS?

I will have you know that these legs are famous in these here parts! No lie! By the time I first meet most people, they have already witnessed my legs biking to the gym or the beach or wherever! My little black gym shorts are mentioned most often: “I’ve seen you in your little black short shorts!” or “I know those legs! The other day, I saw them walking around in a pair of tiny black shorts!” I used to be slightly offended by this, but not today!


Picture it! YOUR business logo on a tanned and toned, perfectly visible and miles long billboard!: right smack down the sides of my dynamite legs! IMAGINE! That’s YOUR business quite literally biking all over St. Augustine! Passing every potential client/ buyer/ partner in town! Everyone who’s anyone will see this! That’s YOUR business going to the gym, walking through the grocery store! Your business biking on the beach in a bikini! Picture that bikini huffing and puffing it over the Vilano Bridge at least twice a week, treking over the 312 bridge! Sometimes these legs even bike to Crescent Beach! Or to Jacksonville! Or BEYOND!

Think of the miles I cover, the people who see me! Every time some sleaze bucket does a double take, they’ll see the name of YOUR business! Esentially that’s like flashing a picture of popcorn in the middle of a movie: people are ALREADY looking, why not give their subconscious a little treat?

This is top knotch advertising at its best! Most companies can’t even *buy* this type of exposure, but YOU can! For a bargain price, I might add!

You can’t afford NOT to do this!

Let the bidding commence! Do I hear TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!? THIRTY!? FORTY!? A HUNDRED!? There is no price too high, no bid too small!!! I’m flexible! I’ll negotiate!

(Now THIS is a classy idea! So, so much better than that midget on the island who pulls car dealership signs with his tricycle!!!! Let me know!!!)

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