The Porn World Versus the REAL WORLD!

Gentlemen, I have wonderful news! There are thousands of sassy, horny cum-guzzling sluts out there! All kinds! Cougars! MILFs! Naughty secretaries! Naughty lunch ladies! Barely legal! Not legal at all! Big tits! Big mouths! Whatever you want! You’ve never seen such variety! Fat, tall! Light, dark! All hot and wet and waiting . . . for *YOU*! All these foxy, juicilicous whores are everywhere! And all they want in the universe is to have sex! With *YOU*!

Dude. You’re actually *buying* this?!

Come on. You cannot possibly be this stupid! *Hopeful*, maybe . . . not stupid.

Never before in the history of the world has porn been so widespread! So accessible! So wildly popular among *every* demographic of people! You want to see people getting freaky, all you need is a computer! The other day I heard an older gentleman talking about how sad it is that future generations will never know what it’s like to get a love letter! *I* think it’s sad that THIS generation will never know what it’s like to sit huddled under the covers with a flashlight, wide eyed and reading *ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARET*!

No longer will you pick up your mom’s copy of SKYE O’MALLEY at age nine and innocently ask, “Mommy, what’s it mean to sodomize your sister?” Nor have your world rocked when you discover porn in the magical way every child should: uncovering an old, over watched VHS tape of *Black Stockings* in some divorcee’s drawer while cat sitting!

The magic of porn is gone and it’s a shame. But the problem here isn’t porn . . . the problem is YOU.

Can you not differentiate between the Porn World and the real one? Come on. You’ve been a pizza guy for years and not *once* has a pair of big breasted divorcees invited you upstairs for a large pepperoni. You played football forever and the cheerleading squad *never* dragged you into the locker room to rip your uniform off and tackle you. Not one time. And the French Maid with the feather duster? Forget about it.

You’ve got to stop. If you see a beautiful woman walking down the street and she needs a ride, do her a favor and help her. But keep in mind she ain’t like you, she’s wired differently- you saved this “damsel in distress” and incessant thoughts of how she plans on “repaying” you have total control of your mind. You’re going crazy with anticipation! You imagine her thinking:

“My hero! I wish I had some way to repay him, but all I can offer him is my body . . . my writhing, desperate body! All I want is to please him! I hope he doesn’t think my breasts are too big!”

Or something like that.

In reality:

“Gosh, I’m glad someone finally picked me up, I had to wait longer than usual- a whole 45 seconds. This one’s not too scary I guess, I hope he doesn’t hack me up and make pudding out of my eyeballs.”

Once she’s satisfied you’re not a serial killer, she’ll be comfortable enough to mentally balance her check book, think about how she forgot to pick up the dry cleaning! Her thoughts are miles from yours, kiddo! If you hadn’t helped her out, the next guy would have! She knows it!

I don’t know about you, but I find all this fascinating. Thank you for reading, you can go back to your Iphone porn now. All those Lovely Latinas and Japanese Schoolgirls are waiting! All they want is in the universe to help you blow your load!

(*SIDE NOTE*- Your baffling need to watch three inch by three inch porn on your freaking *mobile device* is another ball of wax entirely.)

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2 Responses to The Porn World Versus the REAL WORLD!

  1. Heather says:

    OH So TRUE I remember when Victoria’s secret was as taboo as porn!

    • Bri says:

      I was unprepared for that woman’s apartment. I was a Catholic school girl and this was rustic, hairy, unappealing eighties porn with sleazy doctors and drunken ranch hands! I’d thought SkinaMax was as bad as it got! I was a snoop, of course, but I will never forget that.

      I’ve been looking for that movie. I’m sentimental. I’ll give you a dollar if you can find it.

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