Are you 45, attractive and single? Probably not.  But if you’re 45 and single, you must suddenly be under the impression that you are in fact attractive because so many women seem to be pursuing you pretty fiercely. That single mom in the park with four kids, that middle aged receptionist at the dentist’s . . . hell, that widowed librarian was making eyes at you just last Thursday! So you’re feeling pretty sexy, right? You wake up every morning and gaze into the mirror, put just the right amount of gel in your thinning hair. You wear vertical stripes to hide your gut and adjust your Gucci sunglasses as you pause at red lights, making eyes at the cute blonde in the car next to you.

You feel like a king and you wonder to yourself every day when you became so brutally hot. You think back to your early twenties when you couldn’t even get a woman to look at you because they were all dating those hot, older guys . . . you admire your reflection in the hallway mirror and you decide you must be one of those hot older guys now. You want an answer?

Look down at your left hand. Do you see a ring? No? You’re a rare breed, mister.

Hotness Delusion Syndrome is not a joke. This is a grave issue and it’s affecting single men your age everywhere.

First of all, I want you to ask yourself who’s pursuing you. Those hot chicks in their twenties that want hot older men don’t give you a glance, you’ve got divorced baseball moms giving you the eye and Rosie that hefty bus driver won’t stop texting you. What’s happening is simple, but your delusional ass is too dense to figure it out. I’m going to spell it out for you:

You’re not hot and you never were, buddy. Wake up and smell the Rogaine; there’s a drought. There is a serious dearth of single men your age and it’s scaring women. Think about what’s happening to single women over forty, they’re starting to panic. They can’t help it! That biological clock is ticking nonstop and their hormones are working overdrive; they want the white picket fence and they want it now!

Alas! Their options are sadly, sadly limited; all the good ones are married by now . . . your chubby, balding ass is all that’s left.

I am sorry to break this news to you, but we’re getting annoyed; you need to come back down to Earth. Get your head out of the clouds and leave those foxy young girls alone, your attempts at impressing them are starting to creep them out. Remember how quickly that cute blonde at the stoplight sped away when you smiled at her? I want you to think of that every time you start to feel your ego swelling again; your pompous peacock garbage is ruining your chances with women your own age. Your crap is driving them to cougar-dom, that over-confident swagger you’ve developed is killing your chances~ Rosie the Bus Driver is going to find herself an Ashton Kutcher and you are going to end up alone.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.