There had never been a woman like Dixie Doubloon. She was tall and fiery, dauntless and bold and she stood at the hull of her ship, gazing out at her beloved sea and letting the wind blow through her long red gold curls. She thought about how she’d refused to marry and as far as she was concerned, this had been the best decision of her life. She had become the captain of her own mighty fleet and though she was the target of the advances of many a drunken sailor, Dixie was bored with men. The way they strutted around like peacocks, talking about their accomplishments, all their daring deeds, all the treasure they’d hoarded! Please.
When men would talk to her, Dixie listened with half an ear, sleepy and not really wanting to hear about how some stupid sailor in a velvet monkey jacket raped and pillaged another Girl Scout Troop.
Our lovely seafaring captain had become quite jaded and she doubted she would ever accept a second meeting with a pirate, let alone actually marry one! Her only love was the sea and that was that.
But that’s when Captain Rackam Beauregard tumbled into her life.
He wandered onto her ship one day for no other reason than to tell her that her parking meter had run out and that he needed her spot for his own vessel, but as they exchanged glances, both realized no words were needed! The two stood alone on the poop deck for what seemed like eternity! Dixie’s sapphire eyes met with his glassy black ones and she blushed as he kissed her hand. The Captain was so thrilled by the maiden’s beauty that he forgot all about his plans and even that movie he had tickets to!
“Captain Rackam Beauregard,” he said to the damsel, introducing himself and Dixie felt a shudder of recognition at the mention of his name: this was Captain Vengeance, who routinely wreaked havoc across the seven seas. She’d Googled him a time or two, she had to admit. Upon seeing him, Dixie suddenly understood why so many maidens fancied this man. He was tall and strong with flowing black tresses and a fancy long coat with shiny black buttons and enormous cuffs. He looked fierce and beautiful and she smoothed her linen breaches, suddenly ashamed of the boys’ garments she wore on the boat.
“Miss Dixie Doubloon,” she countered softly. The wench adjusted her Wonderbra, wishing she’d dressed more appropriately to meet this notorious buccaneer!
She needn’t have worried though, the Captain was transfixed with her~ he had never heard of this Dixie Doubloon and he stumbled over himself as he struggled to invite this vixen to the local tavern for some grog and some jalapeno poppers.
“Hey, baby,” he said, in his stupid British accent, “If you’re sick of that hardtack, you can come ashore with me and get some real grub. I got this place on the bay front, they know me there.”
Dixie muffled a giggle, as she knew that when a sailor said anything like, “Come on! They know me here!” it meant he’d been there TWICE. Stupid men. But she’d never felt this feeling before! She’d have followed this Captain Vengeance to the bottom of Davy Jones locker if he’d asked her to and the two walked arm in arm to the ramshackle alehouse.
Once inside, they sat together at a table in the corner, talking about life and love and picking at the shitty sixteenth century bar food. Dixie didn’t even worry that the food was awful or that he hadn’t taken her to a better restaurant, she was smitten! This had never happened before, she was entirely confused! She hated men, yet here she was, losing her mind over some stupid pirate bandit. He felt the same way though and it confused him just as much.
“Dixie,” he began, after swallowing the last crappy microwaved mozzarella stick. “My sweet Dixie. I have been in love with you since I first saw you adjusting the mizzen mast! That was several hours ago and now I’m sure of it! We shall be married at dawn!”
“Yes!” cried Dixie, who’d never wanted to be married before in her life! She couldn’t imagine why anyone would even want to marry her, as she was hardly a biddable female. She didn’t do windows and most sailors would rather die than eat her cooking, but she said nothing of this! She was in love! He’d deal with it, she knew it! At that moment he kissed her and before she could react, the bitch swooned. Just like they do in the movies.
“My love!” the Captain shouted, rushing to her aid, fanning her face and loosening her laces so that she could breathe. She did not wake up right away and he feared for her life, as many a drunken barmaid had fainted from his kisses! He scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to his boat, where he knew he had some smelling salts somewhere. He laid her on the cot and racked his brain trying to think of where he’d stashed that damn first aid kit.
About this time, our heroine regained consciousness and she woke with a start, trying to figure out where she was, but she calmed down when she saw her beloved Rackam Beauregard at her side. She was saved at last! She threw her arms around him, bursting into tears at the sight of him! “You do love me!” she cried! “Of course we’ll be married!”
At that moment, she heard a door slam and a female voice calling, “Hi, honey! I’m home!”
Dixie didn’t even react for a moment, then she sat up stunned. “Who is that, my darling?”
“Oh, that’s just Georgette, my wife,” he said. “She’s French and hot to trot!”
“WHAT!?” cried Dixie. “I thought you loved me? Wanted to marry me?”
“Ahhhhhhhh,” the bastard said softly, with a lilting smile. “It got you back to me boat, didn’t it?”
“HORNSWAGGLER!” Dixie cried. “You brute! You swine!”
Georgette wandered in, asking what was going on, but Dixie brushed past her without a word. She raced back to the bar, where she proceeded to get hammered. She wallowed in tears for a moment, then she sat up and asked herself what she was doing: “Come on, Dixie! You are a feared wench, you’ve battled the high seas and outdone many a stupid man! Take what you want, you are Dixie fucking Doubloon!”
Enough grog, she decided and she went back to her ship to dress in her fanciest pirate finery! When she thought she looked perfect, she wandered back over to Captain Whatever’s boat, but not before grabbing her trusty pirate pistol! She busted in only to find Rackam and Georgette curled up sweet as could be together on the sofa, presumably watching reruns of Law and Order.
“You two timing Picaroon! How dare you? This is what you get for dropping anchor in someone else’s lagoon!” Dixie pulled out her pistol. “Come and get one in the barnacles!”
Then she fired one shot. Right in the McNuggets.
Then she turned away, tucked the pistol back in her cleavage and grabbed a handful of mixed nuts on her way out. Georgette started cursing at her in French, scrambling to help Rackam, but Dixie paid no mind to it. The French bitch could have him, now that he was only half a man. She turned and smiled at the two timer, saying gently, “Hasta la vista, baby . . . you may want to put some ice on that.”
Then she walked off into the sunset, back to her beloved sea. Damn right she was Dixie Doubloon!