Hello there, you jolly old thing! Been awhile since I’ve written, I know, I know, but I have kind of a Christmas emergency: I have two million seconds to find a boyfriend before Christmas or I will get *NO PRESENTS!* NO PRESENTS, did you hear that? None! Santa, baby! How can you allow this? I need your magic at once!
As you can clearly see, I’ve thought this through entirely. I did the math~ a million seconds equals twelve days and there are TWENTY FOUR more days til Christmas! Tada! That’s TWO million! I’ve got it down to the *EXACT SECOND* ~ I ain’t playin’ around, old St. Nicky boy! I am plain determined as all get out! Since this is just a seasonal relationship and I’ll want him gone by New Years, most of my everyday rules shall not apply- like, he doesn’t exactly NEED to be over 35 and perhaps I’ll even look the other way if he doesn’t have rock star hair! Hell, at this point, I’ll even overlook a tattoo. After all, I only have roundabout two million seconds, can I afford to be choosy? I didn’t think so.
I understand that Fabio MAY be just a *little* out of my league and I accept this~ a twenty-five year age difference is pushing it (even for ME), he has better hair than I do, he’s altogether more beautiful than I and no goose would ever condescend to hit little old ME in the face. So I can’t have Fabio, but are you willing to work with me here? We can COMPROMISE! I can give up ROCKSTAR hair if it means PRESENTS!
Maybe if we discuss the things I want, you can proceed to find the perfect guy to give them to me? Please notice that the things I want are not for MYSELF: I’m a decent person, I’m just trying to help out the entire world:
First things first, I want my own moon colony. A moon colony is a first step in the Earth’s battle with overpopulation! If there are a million seconds in twelve days, then there are a BILLION seconds in 31 years . . . and the Earth’s population is 6.978 billion? OH, MY GOODNESS! THE MIND REELS! Oh, Father Christmas! This is an epidemic! We gotta’ do some fast thinking! We got to send some people to the moon!!!
Now before you go conclusion jumping, think outside the atmosphere a minute, think of all that unclaimed real estate~ miles and miles of unused land! We must CLAIM it for the good of mankind, make it livable! FUTURE GENERATIONS depend on it! All of HUMANITY depends on it!
Please send me the man who can help make this happen, oh Mr. Kringle! The fate of the human race hangs in the balance, thinking GLOBAL is not enough!
Oh, Jolly Old St. Nick! This list is taking far longer than I expected and I have to post it NOW or I’ll no longer have two million seconds! You understand the urgency, don’t you? I shall continue my list soon, never fear!!! I believe in you, buddy . . . and I believe in my moon colony as well!
I believe, I believe . . . it’s silly, but I believe!
Snowflakes, Hot Toddies and Christmas Cookies!
~Miss Brianne Sloan